So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
