Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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