please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
