Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
