Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
