Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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