When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
