You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
