Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
