the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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