I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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