The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
