I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
