So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
