I will die if light touches me.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
