I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
