If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize