drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
