we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize