Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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