Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
