Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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