i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Randomize