I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize