well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
