I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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