are you still at the devil's house?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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