She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
