I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize