I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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