You work out of a Hotel?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
