His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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