if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
