Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
