he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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