I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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