were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
