I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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