Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize