Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
