Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm getting married
To pizza
Randomize
