Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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