I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
