So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
