i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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