Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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