Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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