I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
