I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
