you're like a bully in the Christmas story
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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