so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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