For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
