Did I show you my penis last night?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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