We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize