uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
