He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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