...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
