I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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