Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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