you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
