My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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