I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
