wanna go halves on a baby?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
