Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
