we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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