White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize