I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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