I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
