I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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