i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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