it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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