we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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